My heart sunk. I held back what felt like an unmeasurable amount of tears. I cleaned myself up, put my clothes back on, and walked out of the cold dark room with a piece of my heart missing. I was present but felt nothing. Time felt as if it was standing still.
I remember shaking myself out of the fog-this is real Sarah- accept it for what it is and move on! Get over it. It happens all the time. You are just part of the statistic. The enemy began to just flood my mind with thoughts that had no end in sight. Pure darkness. Torture! Thoughts of what if? What could I have done different? What could I have done better? What area in my life do I have sin? Why God? Why now? Why me? I left the doctors office, got into my car- my husband placed his hand on my leg and said no words...and then came the tears! I couldn’t stop them! Mountains and mountains of tears! The inevitable had happened- I couldn’t stop it. There was no turning back time. The damage was done. We had lost our baby.
I will forever remember the morning I woke up and took that test. Waiting what seemed like hours for the digital test to switch from a blinking timer to a “yes” answer. Much to my surprise it did! A big YES showed up on the test! Could it be? Had we finally conceived? My mind raced with just how I was going to announce the exciting news to my husband, our parents, and our four beautiful children. I couldn't wait to find out the gender as my mind was already racing of ideas for the baby shower and the nursery! Might I add that the next several days would consist of hours of thoughts of what we would name our little one! I could hardly contain my excitement! After all, this time we had been trying for 26 months-791 days-AGAIN what seemed like forever. Month after month taking a test all to get let down with a negative result...one single pink line on the pee stick. Ladies, I know many of you have been there and you know the gut sinking feeling of getting a negative result- coming back hours later to check the test in hopes that while you were away the line appeared; all to find out it was, in fact, negative. As months continued to pass, instead of it getting easier for me it simply got worse. Doubts of ever conceiving again would flood my mind. I began telling myself things like, “maybe I don’t deserve another child”, “I guess it's not in the plans for me to have more children”, “I guess I’m just too busy”, “my body isn’t good enough or strong enough to do this thing"!! The thoughts were not good ones I assure you. The infertility process is not an easy one and if you have experienced it my friend, you also know just how terrible of an emotional roller coaster it is. So, to be viewing a positive test was almost unreal to me!
Let me just say, I have faced many difficult situations in my life and several of which I thought were the hardest of them all. Trials that I had been through and conquered by the grace of God! By His strength and His mercy I was able to overcome! But this-this is different. The loss of a child {no matter the age} is something NOBODY should have to experience. My future days would consist of countless trips to the bathroom, knowing I was flushing my very hearts desire down the toilet. Let’s be honest... that’s the reality of it. Day by day, passing a little more of what would have eventually been a bundle of joy swaddled and loved by so many. HOW IN THE WORLD does one overcome this? How do you just move on from such devastation? Do the thoughts and images of the miscarriage process ever go away? Does the grieving ever stop? I will tell you, for me, it hasn’t and I don’t believe it ever will fully go away, but, I do believe it WILL get better! I do NOT know why anyone would have to go through this process and I certainly don't try to understand God’s design of why the human body rids itself at any point during the growth process inside the womb. But, what I do know is that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts much greater and He MUST have a purpose! I know that there are trials we will face here on this earth that we just simply won’t understand. We will never know the whys? And the how’s? And the what’s? But, in the meantime I can seek His face for guidance, peace, and understanding. Friends, believe it or not, this is a very common thing- between 20-25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage and though there is nothing a mother can do to prevent it, it doesn’t make it the slightest bit less difficult to swallow. I’m so thankful that I serve a God that brings comfort and peace to get me through to the other side. To bring joy in place of my mourning and peace to calm the storm that runs wild in my mind. He has been the God of the darkest times in my life. He is the one in which I put my trust in! I run to Him for healing-for picking up my broken pieces and restoring my soul! He brings me up, out of the valley and leads me to the mountain top. Is it easy— NOT even close. But with Him it’s “easier”. I couldn't imagine having to go through this without the presence and peace of my God!
My heart aches for those who have gone through a similar experience. I wish with everything in me that there was something I could do to change it, but, the truth is I just simply can’t. And neither can you. So, I encourage you to lean on The One who can heal your brokenness and restore your soul. Do your best to not let the enemy plant thoughts in your mind to bring on a state of anxiety or depression, but, instead, choose to believe that God's plan is still good- stand on the word and the promises that He has given us!
A few days after passing our sweet baby, I was walking alongside my little boy as he rode his tractor through a field of what appeared to be all grass and weeds- nothing of much interest. I looked across the way thinking what a waste it was. However, the closer I looked, I began to see individual yellow flowers here and there. As I focused on the good of the field, I kept noticing more and more of these yellow flowers. You know, I think God was trying to teach me something. If I would chose to focus on the good {beautiful flowers} instead of what seemed like a large disappointment, He would expose the beauty in it all. He revealed to me that the flowers were there all along but my focus was on the negative parts {weeds} of the field and not the flowers! My perspective has changed- I will choose to focus on the good in each and every situation that I face. I cannot tell you just how much I needed that revelation from The Lord! Though I am not 100% over our loss, I can say, that I have began the healing process and God has given me much peace. I trust in Him and know that every good and perfect gift comes down from The Father—if he did it once, He can do it again—until then, I will wait patiently while holding on to the promise! I will continue serving Him and loving Him the same!
In His Grip,
Sarah Abernathy
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